What Is Codependency?

My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.

By good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.

Your struggles affect my serenity.  My mental attention focuses on focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.

My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.

My mental attention is focused on protecting, you.

My mental attention is focused on manipulating you "to do it my way."

My self-esteem is bolstered by solving, your problems.

My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.

My own hobbies and interests are put side.  My time is spent sharing your interest and hobbies.

Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.

Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.

I am not aware of how I feel, I am aware of how you feel.  I am not aware of what I want, I ask what you want.  If I am not aware, I assume.

The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.

My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.

My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.

I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.

My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.

I put my values aside in order to connect with you.

I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.

The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.

Self-fulfilling Prophecies

What is a self-fulfilling prophecy?  A Self-fulfilling prophecy is a deep held belief, often negative, that a person continues to recreate unconsciously and therefore, continues to have experiences that validate this self fulfilling prophecy.  It could be “everyone leaves me” or “No matter what I do, I’ll always struggle financially”

Where do these self-fulfilling prophecies come from?  They usually originate in the early years of a person’s life and are often re-enforced throughout life. (I.e. women/men can’t be trusted).  If a message is heard or implied repetively, it will eventually become fact in the subconscious mind.  The conscious mind may try believe something new and more rewarding, but the unconscious mind has been convinced these beliefs are facts.

Why do people have self-fulfilling prophecies? As an adult, the person continues to recreate this negative belief through experiences, which only serves to strengthen this belief. (I.e. they find men /woman that can’t be trusted and eliminate those that can) Now, in their world and in their frame of reference it has become a truth and they can give you several examples to validate this truth. Self fulfilling prophesies (regardless of the emotional pain and destruction) are by nature designed to be validated, to be true and accurate (i.e. women/men can’t be trusted –they pick an untrustworthy partner)   

Why do people hold on to their self-fulfilling prophesies? This belief has been played out and reinacted enough for validity in the belief to strong enough to convince the person that their self-fulfilling prophesy is proven to be factual, at least for them.  

When does a person eliminate their self-fulfilling prophecy?  Often people begin to look at themselves because they realize that a pattern exist in their life.  Some people have to lose many things and/or many people they love repeatedly before they desire that change.  Ideally, they get tired of the pain –the losses and realize they have to make the changes, both intellectually and behaviorally, which in turn causes emotional discomfort.   That is one of the beautiful aspects of my job.  I am blessed to help people figure out why they keep finding them self in the same situation again and again. Additionally, our unhealthy behavior may be benefitting the needs of others unhealthy self-fulfilling prophesies making changing more uncomfortable. This is the time to look at your deep held beliefs driving your actions.  Is it time for you to eliminate your self-fulfilling prophesies???   

Change can be frightening – we often do not know the outcome. Getting healthy changes our relationships.  That can bring both support and resistance! BE STRONG FOR YOU!!!

The Healthy Flow

As babies, we are all naturally dependent.  We need someone to meet all our physical and emotional needs.  It is the natural beginning.  The next step (18 years) is that our parents or caregivers raise us into healthy young people that are not only able, but eager to be independent.  There are many ways this occurs.  They encourage us to try out new experiences separate from them.  They encourage us to individuate, meaning discover who we are – not what or who they would like us to be.  We take risk and learn lessons while in the safety of home.  A normal healthy young person (by 18 years old) is seeking and exciting to leave the nest – make their own way in the world.  They know who they are, separate from mom and dad.  They are an individual with their own likes and dislikes.  This is an exciting step as they know they have support from mom and dad.  This is different than enabling.  They know that they still can turn to mom and dad for guidance (maybe even a few groceries here and there), but the goal is a separate individual life.  Once an individual has the experience of independence, they now are ready to become interdependent – meaning choose a relationship in which two independent individuals decide to build a life together.  Independence provides the self esteem necessary to enter into a healthy interdependent relationship.  This process is often incomplete leaving frustrating all around.  

As emotionally difficult as it is, if our children are anxious to get out of our home and off to their own life we have done a great job of parenting.  This should be a time of joy, excitement and even a feeling of freedom for Parent; bittersweet.  However, if at 18 years old your child is not eager to leave your home, you can know that your child is not a healthy normal young adult.

They are possibly stuck in the dependent role and possibly you need them to stay stuck.  They may resist independence or they  may find someone else to be dependent on such as: grandparent, other parent or partners they have chosen because they can remain in the dependent role.  These relationships often become strained and unfulfilling for all involved.

There are situations where the parent and child cling to one another and stay in this unhealthy cycle because it fits the Parents need to be needed and the child’s (adult) need to be taken care of.   Children with dependency issues usually are too afraid to leave the nest.  They have learned from the parent that they are inadequate and must be taken care of.  

What are the causes of someone getting stuck in dependency?  For outsiders, it is easy to see that this robs every one of healthy fulfilling interdependent relationships.  

Parents – Often a parent’s identity and reason for existence is their need to be needed.  If the child becomes independent the parent is at a loss.  Perhaps their own marriage/relationship is focused and held together by the common bond of the children.  If the children are gone – nothing else exist for the parents or their relationship.  

Family business – some families use “The family Business” or work to continue the dependency status.  The child now is connected through work and both are provided with a viable excuse or reason for continuing the dependency cycle.  Others means are home purchases, loans etc.  Often parents will throw money at the child to get them out of their hair; thus, continuing the dependency cycle without the emotional toll.  

Divorce – Divorce is often a set up for unhealthy adults to turn to a child and make that child their buddy, best friend or surrogate spouse.  Rather than turn to a healthy adult friend or family member, a parent will turn to their child.  This creates dependency from both child and parent.

This destructive pattern can ensue for years – robbing both parent and child of possible loving interdependent relationships.  It also creates sibling rivalry and disharmony.  

If this is the case, there is help and it is never too late to love your child or parent enough to fight for a healthy loving relationship based on respect and healthy love. The first step is creating independence.  This is the key to self-esteem and the ability to enter healthy relationships.   

PLEASE REMEMBER:

We all seek acceptance and fear rejection!

It is innate in us to seek partnership!

Be kind and gentle to yourself – this is rarely an outcome of malice and ill intent. They truly believe that what they are doing is loving; however, it is destructive for the child and parent.     

“Truth is for the seekers, not everyone wants to be a seeker”

Change vs. Transition

Change is inevitable, basically mandatory, yet resistance to change is strong for many. What is so misunderstood is that people must be willing to change to achieve continuity.  Without continuous readjustment, the present cannot continue.  Change is the only way to protect what ever exists.  By resisting change, we do not guarantee that whatever we care about will remain the same.  It only assures that whatever we care about is being deprived of the very thing it needs in order to survive.  It is ironic that resistance to change is a setup for the destruction of, what we hold dear.

    Most often, what we want to continue came about and is in existence because of previous change.  Without change we would not have, what it is, we are trying to hold on to.  At one point, we made the necessary changes to get to this .So what is it that makes us so resistant to change?

    Often to have something new, involves letting go of something old - something that can not be maintained if the new is to take place.    Sometimes the new is delayed until the old has been let go. This is where people show their resistance. What if the new doesn't work, isn't what I want and now I've let go of the old?  What if I made a mistake? Change is simply a situational shift.  Yet a change can occur without the experience of a transition.  

     The real challenge involves making the transition.  A transition is a 3- phase process that involves experiencing an ending, a somewhat neutral zone, and a return to a beginning.  It is the process of letting go of the way things once were and then embracing the way they subsequently become.  

   This connection between here and there sometimes called the neutral zone can be chaotic.  It can be a time of great confusion and uncertainty.  It is this uncertainty that is so frightening for many.  This is why you see people that complain about where they are or what they have, yet they remain regardless of the dissatisfaction.  Although they are not happy, often this dissatisfaction is more comfortable than the unknown.  This is why some make a change without experiencing a transition. However, frightening this unknown neutral zone can be, it also holds the potential for creativity.  It opens up the possibilities.  Often in determining the new, experiencing this neutral zone, an individual will experience some real personal growth in discovering who they are, what the want, and where they want to be.  

     A change, a situational shift is less frightening than a transition.  Both are inevitable and both can be positively anticipated.  Yet transitions are more profound.  Perhaps in understanding this process, it can be welcomed and accepted rather than resisted and denied. Afterall, it is inevitable.